20110418

We are haunted, more or less, for better or for worse, by our past.
People we met and things we experienced shape whom we are today.

Flashback

很愛 Aaron Sorkin 在他的影集裡常使用的倒序片段（flashback），可能因為自己也常 spaced out 地回到過往的場景，突然回到過去的某個時刻，不過有時腦子會太混亂，雖然覺得場景和事物再熟悉不過，卻怎麼樣也想不起那是何時何地。Aaron Sorkin 的倒序片段中的場景常出現在雨天，‧【The West Wing】、【Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip】，還有最近的【The Social Network】，都有類似的片段，雨天的確是一個適合 soul-search 的好時機。

有時候會覺得，Being perceptive 不知道是好是壞，如果少一根筋會不會過得快活點。

Some Trivia in Memory

After moving back home for half a year, if I have to say what I miss about Seattle so far, I would say those coffee shops where I spent a lot of time hanging around. They included Starbucks and Barnes & Noble Starbucks at U Village, a few small cafes on the ave, UW Bookstore cafe, and even Suzzalo Expresso. Here in Taiwan, I seldom work or even hang around in coffee shops. I only buy a cup of coffee at 7-11 on the way to work. Why I miss them so much is not only because of the comfy scent I really enjoyed but also because there were so many stories inside them.

The other day when I was about to fall asleep on the bed, my mind suddenly flashed back to an old scene in Seattle: I walked from my apartment through two blocks to Chipotle Mexican Grill to buy a Burrito Bowl with GUACAMOLE (which I ate at least once a week during the last few years in Seattle)! The flashback was so vivid and just like real. Sometimes I miss the sashimi lunch special and the friendly chef at I Love Sushi of Lake Union too. Food was indeed one important support and inspiration of my life in Seattle.

I guess some of the things have been coined deeply inside my mind. Those things are now so far away from me that they seem intangible and seldom are thought of, but used to be a part of my life.

七年一刻

星期一七點的早晨，窗外被雨水佈滿的三峽，秋末第一波溫度的驟降，昨晚忘記關窗今早微酸的喉嚨，暌違已久的台灣冬日，七年了。

七年前的那個冬日，清華文齋五樓，那個夏熱冬冷的四人房宿舍，依稀中我盤著腿在那個老舊、稍有移動還會唧唧叫木椅上，桌上是剛入手最新款等待與我一起出征的IBM-X31，畫面上是遍布北美各地的學校網頁，腿上抱著那綠色的課本，在筆電螢幕前，算著一道又一道的線性代數，醞釀著也等待著希望。

七年後，X31已報廢，坐在三峽新市鎮的小公寓的書桌前，不自主地回到了當時的情境，揣摩著二十出頭對展翅高飛的期待。

人生，是不是總要有這麼一個抽離，才會展現它的美。

There is No Going Back

[寫於八月底]


回台灣一個月了，和往常一樣，夏末秋初總是在台灣渡過，同樣過於鬆懈的暑假尾聲、同樣的濕熱難耐，只是這次不同的是，當秋風吹起時，深夜十一點的飛機不再起飛 -- There is no going back。

今天決定把網誌標題改了。舊標「In the Middle of Nowhere」是過去六年的心情寫照，回台之後，留學生活的如夢似幻迅速消散，一切變得再踏實不過。迷惘虛幻之感沒了，接來的是責任與挑戰，學術和人生都是條 one-way trip，踏上了起跑點，就只能往前衝了。

舊標題下的照片，2008-09秋冬激盪下的視野，繼續留著，以備將來暈車時，還記得當初是如何地渴望搭上列車(*1)。


--
(*1) 見舊文 Byebye Jail.

Messages in A Bottle

Mary, Lily, SY and I were Gossip 4 back in high school. We were in the same class for only one year, but the converstaions we ever had were like lifetime long.

In high school, especially in the first year, coursework was never our focus. We talked a lot. We talked in class, after class and any time in between. We talked about what we knew and what we didn't; whom we knew and whom we didn't. We were never tired of talking and laughing. We never thought this world should have any limit.

On my 17th birthday, we made our wishes together. We wrote the kind of future we wanted and deposited them into a bottle. The bottle has been stored in my drawer and we were hoping someday we could cash them.

No one believes their life will turn out just kind of okay. Many years later, we are still not so sure of ourselves. We don't like what we are doing that much.

Every year during this time when I am in Taiwan for a vacation, I feel especially deeply for the meaning of life and the value of existence. Everytime on the way back to Hsinchu after gathering with friends, I feel myself like a ghost. I can see everything but can't touch it. I can smell everything but can't catch it. I can like everything but can't keep it. Everything is so real and surreal at the same time. You live in a place where what you have seems so trivial; meanwhile you are just a passenger to the place you call home. You belong to nowhere.

Once upon a time we laughed so hard that we didn't perceive life had a length and didn't think anything could be impossible. Eleven years later, here again we redeposit our wishes. This time we are all very serious. No kidding.

Travel Back In Time

如果可以回到過去，你想要回到哪一個時間點？

昨天和KA去探索公園的時候聊起了一連串 what if 的話題。每個電影對 time travel 有不同的說法，科學上也有各家的理論(*1)，我比較相信回到過去是心智靈魂進入了以前的身體，而不是未來的自己可以遇見過去的自己，而且我相信回到過去可以改變一些小節，但在時間線上的大方向發展仍然不變。

記得幾年前有一陣子心情很低落的時候，常常哼起一首歌裡面的一段歌詞，「那一天，我哭了一整夜，也知道，我回不到過去...」。那個時候沒有想太多，只是覺得自己做了很多錯誤的決定造成一連串荒唐的結果，如果可以回到過去一定能夠變好。但現在事後想想，如果真可以時光倒流，我真的想要回去嗎？回去重新來過結果會有什麼不同嗎？

也許我比較宿命論，雖然我同時也同意牽一髮而動全身的 ripple effect，但我莫名地相信，不論過程如何地峰迴路轉，最後仍會殊途同歸。認真想了很久，要選擇回到哪個時間點我還真的說不太出來，我們幾小時邊走路邊討論的結果，認為回到過去的用意在於避免一些後見之明認為不該做的事情。我強烈認同這一點，但又不禁對人性抱持懷疑。在現實生活裡我們對很多未來會發生的事也並非完全不知情，然而個性使然，即使預見不好的後果，卻依然任憑它發生。在有時光機的世界裡，有了對未來百分之百的資訊，但我們的個性足夠堅強只做「對」的事嗎？

＊ ＊ ＊

KA說想回到二００三年九月，問我有什麼想交代告訴當時的我，我想了很久，現在的我有很多事情想告訴二００三年九月的我。那年我大四，是個多事之秋，後來的一切是那時種下的果（絕非甜美之果但也說不上是爛到完全不能吃的果實）。一直以來我以為如果可以回到過去，我一定會做個大幅的轉變，把人生重整一番，走一條完全不同的路。但是當這個問句活生生攤在眼前時（講得好像我們真的有時光機），我猶豫了，非常地猶豫。不論是宿命論使然、勇氣不足以嘗試別條路，還是這個爛果吃久了也久聞不覺其臭滿自得其樂的，我沒有太多話想說，只想告訴那個涉世未深的我，"Life is tough. Brace yourself."。

--

(*1) Time -Traveling for Dummies: A physicist's looks at The Time Traveler's Wife

櫻花

櫻花季看似快結束了，想想自己已經連續三年的春天，當櫻花在quad廣場盛開，卻無動於衷地從旁走過，偶爾把頭翻過去瞄一眼，卻毫無興致停下腳步，呼吸一下春天的味道。最誇張是前年，那時系館就在櫻花樹廣場旁，每天進出系館數次，但都從後門進出，花到底什麼時候開什麼時候謝我完全不知道。而今年則是數次去圖書館途中經過，有那麼一點地想繞過去看看，但就是沒有那鼓動力把背包裡的相機拿出來，多踩幾步路過去。

噢，想當年第一次看到時還很感動呢。還記得在舊的blog上面還放了一張小女孩在櫻花樹叢下騎腳踏車的背影，說著自己對生命的感動。相較之下，現在真是個行尸走肉。不曉得是不是因為在那個櫻花初綻放的春天，受到太多的挫折。

Now and Then

My blog seems to be abandoned for a while. This quarter had so many things going on and it is finally coming to an end. 

My IBM X31 retired with honors at the end of last year. It has served for more than five years and I actually have a special bonding with it. Laughs and tears. All with it for the past years. I bought it when I was a senior in college. Now I am a "senior" in the PhD program. Still can't believe how this happened. It's just, surreal.

After it officially died, I still missed its touch. It’s ironic that when I bought it I planned to use it until my dissertation was done; after these years I used it mainly for entertainment purpose, now it stopped to work when I started to focus on my research. I am not a fan at all of the up-to-date mainstream computers with glossy widescreen and Vista. I didn't feel like spending more than 500 bucks to buy those fancy features which I didn't really care. Also I heard from time to time that the life expectancy of laptops nowadays is much shorter than ever before. A friend recommended a refurbished IBM Thinkpad T43 to me. Being unusually decisive, I bought it without a second thought. Every good old thing came back. The keyboard is still the best I've ever had. The touch is exceptional. In order to maintain the research focus of this machine, I didn't install any entertainment related softwares. It is actually good. Without those features, the fun I can have on this laptop is cut half, hopefully. 

Thinking back to the time I first got this old little black machine, my first laptop ever, I was quite an ambitious person. I bought it at the Autumn of my senior year using the very first paychecks in my life, the money I earned from a summer job and a research funding I got from National Science Council's undergrad project. I was so passionate at that time and even naively thought I could manage everything on this machine so that my life could be so organized and planned out. Graduate school applications, research data, handouts of several math/statistics I was taking ... Out of nowhere, I was really proud of my organization skill and thought everything was so easy and promising. It did work out very well for a while. Not for long though. After all these years' "torture" in the graduate school, little black was gradually worn out since then and so was the passion. With the arrival of the new black baby, I truly hope that I can pick up the spirits I lost*.

--

* The notion here was also inspired by the slogan on the poster of Slumdog Millionaire, "What does It Take to Find a Lost Love?", I saw the other day. Haven't watched this movie but will definitely do so. Not sure about what the story is about but seems like its style will fit my nostalgic obsession quite well.

Farewell

S 今天離開美國了，下午的時候，S 傳了句「Farewell. See you in Taiwan」，她就此踏上了歸途，不禁讓我想起去年底 LC 要離開時，也是同樣的心情。

總覺得來美國之後很漂泊不定， 記不得是什麼時候了，偶然在BBS站上看到的一篇散文【行路難】， 寫到了我心坎裡。S 和 LC 是比較要好的朋友中，也來美國念研究所的。二００五年夏天，正當我在翻天覆地的博一結束前夕，心力交瘁；面對即將來臨的資格考，徬徨不安之時， S 和 LC 也來到了美國，雖然不在同個地方，但昔日同窗同身處異地，有種莫名的踏實。這幾年來，不知道有多少個夜晚，隔著半個美國大陸的我們，靠著話筒，分享著生活的苦樂，給予彼此力量，在談笑中，忘記一切不順心。

去年 LC 離開香檳時，因為記錯時間，我如往常般地打了通電話給她，電話那頭出現了一個陌生的聲音，那個人跟我說「LC 已經離開香檳囉，她以後不用這支電話了。」明明是件已經知道的事情，但由別人的口中說出，好像有種加深的效果。於是，切斷了電話，若無其事地，將電話簿裡這支打了兩年的號碼，刪除。 雖然 LC 回台後我們還是不時地用 msn 聯絡，但這兩年來的對話，隨著號碼的刪除，也封上了印記。

Summary

有朋友說，每個時期聽的歌都反映了當時的情境與心境，所以當在往後的人生聽到這些歌時，那些歌背後的故事，又會不自覺地浮上心頭。

我的博士班生涯第四年在老布同意讓我正式組論文委員會下即將告一段落，今天看到 The Democratic Race in Seven Minutes ，一部七分鐘短片總結即將進入尾聲的民主黨黨內初選，也讓我回想起這一年的心路歷程。三位候選人講過的字字句句都還清晰地留在我腦海，這些事件發生的同時，我是如何在博士班和人生的轉捩點上猶豫、掙扎、徬徨，深深地刻在心裡。在此當然很感謝古道熱腸為我傳道授業解惑的老布，不然我現在大概已經不知何去何從，更感謝MSN上的各位，聽我叫苦連天。

現在要加緊腳步在明天春天考General Exam，這樣才可以順利六年畢業>.<（有人問我何時才會畢業，我說再兩年吧，他們問再兩年是幾年，已進位的2010讓人聽起來格外毛骨悚然，所以各位，就別問了吧 XD）In the Middle of Nowhere 真的很符合我的心情，就是一種不知身在何處的進退兩難。

結果組完之後又自動放假了一星期，逛街唱歌吃飯睡覺，莫名其妙進度又落後一星期。唉，這就是為何博士可以念這麼多年。

在法圖的小格子裡發呆

前天個體經濟學原理的學生期中考，考前幾小時學生問我說他們現在應該要做什麼，我說你們就去圖書館找個個人座位，靜下心，把已經會的東西再背熟一遍。我不知道這對他們有沒有用，不過至少我都是這樣的，從大學到現在，臨陣前唯一能做的就是確保已經有的東西沒有不見。

不知道從什麼時候，我又開始來法學院圖書館讀書，前一波法圖讀書潮，是為資格考和領域考掙扎的兩年前。法圖裡有像K書中心一樣的個人座位，可以把自己關在小空間裡，思考，或發呆。兩年後，我又回來了，但這次，我不再只能瘋狂地填鴨，我必須要在Social Security廣大的文獻增加新的一頁。

圖書館座位很能反映我的心境。心情好時根本不會去圖書館（這反映了我去年果然過太爽），在哪裡都可以讀，就算在家裡念也可樂得邊唱邊跳；如果心情好又剛好來到了圖書館，座位其實不太重要，在哪都可以念，不過通常會坐在開放式的座位，最好有窗戶，偶爾欣賞一下窗外的景致；會在辦公室念通常都是心情悶，見到人講講話，雖然心境還是孤單，但人來人往會讓心境暫時麻痺；像現在這種不知如何形容之時，進入圖書館會馬上找到一個最隱密的小角落，把自己關起來。

大學畢業近滿四年，又一個四年過去了，我想不起來最近有幾次開懷大笑，我只是把自己塞在越來越小的格子裡，忘記了曾有過的笑聲。