三點一線

前些日子好友 LC 提到了三點一線的生活，對我來說，學校、住處和學校旁的餐廳街，就足以構成了一日的生活。三點有時簡單到發慌，換著地方繼續著我的發呆，但有的時候，三點也可以構成複雜的網絡。

Those Days

Shot on someday in 2010.

No Separation of Work and Life

When writing to FC, I suddenly realized one thing. While my current teaching load is three times as much as the load when at UW and I am still alive here, I have been thinking how I could be that swamped (at least I claimed I was) by teaching only one course in the graduate school. And the reason was: I spent too much time whining. As it is now, I am too busy to even think about anything to whine. In the past, from time to time I felt guilty about being unproductive, watching too much TV series and having too much fun, now I often found myself falling asleep before a 45-minute show was over.

Maybe when one's capacity is forced to stretch to a size much larger than ever, everything in the past becomes so tiny. Maybe before making any real accomplishment, we need to be stretched over and over again.

Now my work and life are mixed so well that I can't tell the difference. Though I am not sure where it will lead to, I guess it's just the Assistant Professor 101.

Thanksgiving 2009

今年感恩節嘗試了很多第一次。

第一次自己作了我最愛的食物之一 -- 紅燒牛肉麵。煮了一整天，雖然賣相不佳，不過還滿有我期待的紅燒牛肉味。這樣以後不能回台灣的時候也能解解饞了。

第一次加入黑色星期五午夜的採購人潮。原以為採購力與日遽增的我即使再有睡意看到折扣應該也會清醒，沒想到因為不論進店裡、試穿還是結帳都大排長龍，因而沒什麼購買慾。在寒冷的冬夜和一群瘋狂的人擠隊比購物本身更有趣。

Drama & Life

我常抱怨Grey's Anatomy越來越煽情肥皂，不過還是每天都看得很開心。

剛開始看時還覺得這堆人真愛無病呻吟，不過看久了也頗習慣這調調，其實我的生活也都是在whining啊。

It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up. Before we can step up.

Old Diary and New Memory

When cleaning my apartment last night, I found a diary I kept from junior high to college. It has been stored in a box covered by dust under my bed. It was surprising that my memory has gone so bad that I forgot a lot of things. I couldn't remember what some pronouns I used referred to. I couldn't even feel anything for some of the things I felt so strongly before.(*1) Time flies and things change. Sometimes things go so differently than we expect. But sometimes things go back to the origin after detours. I can't believe in my first year in senior high school (oh, sweet 16~) I said in my diary that "I am gonna major in economics in college"; "Because Nobel has a prize in economics" (Not that I ever thought I would ever win one. It was just that I thought awarding accomplishments in economics by Nobel prize implied that this discipline had real contributions to human beings. And I was gonna study something meaningful.) Looking back to it from now, I am not sure whether it was a teenager's audacity or it was simply naiveness. I feel a bit shame on my current passionless self. It did make me burst into laughter though. More than ten years later, I am indeed in this field and have been the field for many years, but nowhere close to making a contribution and at most a mediocre.

My conclusion is that, bad memory could be good sometimes. You can see old things coming out in a novel and interesting way, like reading somebody else's life.

--

(*1) For example, in one log I said I was so touched by 「用君之心，行君之意」in 屈原《卜居》. I don't remember what was going on on that day. I have no clue about the circumstance under which I felt in that way.

Post Vacation Syndrome

This summer was unusually hot. And the winter came so early that I couldn't even be aware of it.

According to Wikipedia, post vacation blues include symptoms such as tiredness, loss of appetite, strong feeling of nostalgia and in some cases depression; jet lag may intensify those symptoms. It might take up to 1.5 times the length of the trip. 1.5 times? If I do adjust for 1.5 times of my trip length, the quarter will be gone half. I can't let this happen!!

I overestimated myself. I came back just a few days before school started because I thought I had the ability of falling asleep whenever I wanted and I thought I could switch back to a work mode when I had to. It turned out that I wasn't that flexible. I am still lagged in the summer time.

I am desperately in need of a sharp mind. Right now.

==

It's so easy to become lazy. But it's thousand times harder to get the momentum back.

Addiction ‧ Indulgence

Recent articles show that Multitasking, Internet Addiction, and Internet Seeking could be dangerous and harmful to our brains. I was terrified. I have exactly same symptoms as described. "Searching for information you don't even care about", "chatting via instant messaging while checking email and surfing the Web", and "being anxious without Internet". Those are pretty much my daily life. (In some sense those articles were kind of entertaining while I was being terrified.)

In one episode of 【Grey's Anatomy】 about addiction, a remark goes like this

Bad habit comes easily but hard to be kicked away.

I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right?

They say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there?

Indeed.

Addiction is bad. But indulging oneself in an addiction is even worse.

Byebye Jail

The picture on the front page of my blog is a view from the temporary shelter of economics department, Condon Hall, a gray concrete building some people call a jail(*1). Everyday after work I walk out of the building, I see the bus stop under the trees and wonder when my ride is coming and starts me a new journey.

Now we are about to move back to our home, Savery Hall, located in the beautiful quad on campus. The computer lab is going to be closed today. Everything will be moved out and brand new computers await us at home. Sitting in the lab looking through the large windows with views blocked by the gray concrete wall, I know I am going to miss it.

--
(*1) Condon Hall used to be the Law School building. It got the reputation of being the most ugly building at UW. People joked around that the jail design of the building tried to tell law students what consequences their future judgement would lead to.

星巴克儲值卡

剛剛發現一件事情，之前居然都沒想到。一張星巴克儲值卡用一次接下來一個月可以一天用他們的AT&T WiFi 兩小時，但如果我同時維持有兩張卡兩個帳戶，這樣我每次來星巴克唸書就可以用上網路四個小時。四個小時就非常足夠了，可以工作整個早上或整個下午，我似乎也不太可能連續唸書超過四小時。

不過只能用兩小時也有好處，就是我會有效利用時間，時間一多我就會開始瀏覽和研究不相干的網頁，例如像現在開始寫blog。

我的反應果然變差了，這麼簡單的事我居然之前都沒想到。

==

在台灣時好像比較沒辦法在咖啡店唸書，尤其是念需要思考的東西。一方面是台灣大部分的店裡大部分的人都在聊天，氣氛沒那麼適合唸書，另一方面是因為我可以把英文當背景音樂，不仔細聽不會太瞭解別人在講什麼，但是如果旁邊的人用中文聊天，就算沒興趣的話題也會很自然地開始聽。

==

實驗結果發現，其實就算只用一個帳戶，兩個小時過了之後，只要不登出或關機，網路還是都不會斷。

This Week's Agenda

The agenda for this week is, again, work work work. A never fulfilled routine but still need-to-be-made agenda.

One different thing this week though. Here it is: If I work hard (defined by myself) for a couple of days in a row, I can take one weekday off for a movie marathon. I am going to see The Time Traveler's Wife, (500) Days of Summer, and Star Trek. Maybe not Star Trek, the theater I want to go doesn't have Star Trek anymore. I'll find another one to fill in.

My reward seems too big for tiny little effort. But whatever.

Angel and Demon

In the days that I work, I can stand up as a decent human being. But in those days I dodge doing my job, I feel myself nothing but a terrible person.

They say people do not need others to justify the existence of oneself. Pathetically, I do need hard work to justify myself.

Free Wi-Fi at Barnes & Noble

剛意外發現 Barnes & Noble 有提供免費的 AT&T Wi-Fi。因為現階段研究需要連到學校一個研究中心的 terminal server 用 Stata，雖然喜歡在咖啡店唸書，但常常受限於有些咖啡店沒有免費網路，或是網路訊號不強。

傍晚跑來 U Village Barnes & Noble 裡的咖啡店工作，一開始只連到一個訊號很弱的網路，正想說都特別跑來了卻又什麼事都沒做，就連 AT&T Wi-Fi 看會不會貴，沒想到居然免費，真不錯。查了一下，是七月底才開始的。以後有空可以來這唸書。

適合睡眠的氣溫

Cold Temperatures Improve Sleep

研究指出華氏60-68度（約攝氏15-20度）有助於睡眠。西雅圖很多時候都是氣溫攝氏十幾度加陰天，難怪我隨便都可以睡上十小時。如果斜對面那棟房子可以趕快蓋好會更好，不要每天一大早不到八點就開始動工，擾亂我的美夢。

今晚氣溫攝氏16度左右，正是適合睡覺的好天氣。經過上星期的高溫摧殘之後，現在非常欣慰有這種涼快的天氣。

最近太陽下山的時間從之前的九點開始提早到八點半了，盛夏好像就這樣過了。

Crazy Global Warming

What's wrong with the places I stayed? My hometown Hsinchu and my second hometown Seattle have broken the records of high temperature last week. Both reached around 40C.

I am not the person who can stand the heat (I am fine with cold weather). Last week I felt dying in my top-floor apartment facing the west with only an useless but annoying electric fan. The long-lasting sunset made my room a sauna. I couldn't stop sweating and even had difficulty of falling asleep. Growing up in the windy city Hsinchu, I've hated wind for my entire life. But I felt very grateful to have some breeze later last week. I finally got to have some sleep.

Short Span of Attention

I just found an interesting behavior of my recent life -- I hardly finish a movie. I didn't finish any movie I rented from Netflix (I suspended my subscription then). Recount by HBO, the kind of political drama I though I love; National Treasure 2, Dark Knight, the movies with visual effects which might save me some brain; then even American Pie series, the stupid laugh I tried to get from. All of them. I closed the DVD player within 30 minutes and never opened it again. I first thought my taste might change, but after trying all kinds of movies, I finally concluded that it has nothing to do with the genres.

It's not like I am too busy to have two hours watching a movie. I can still watch several episodes of TV series in a row for more than two hours. I realized that the only reason to explain this symptom is that my attention phases out very quickly. It's more like if I have two hours, instead of waiting for a whole storyline to start out, introduce the background and reach some minor peaks and then a major peak, I would rather go straight to that point. (The slow path of movies makes me crazy.) Then sitcom comes into play. A 20-minute episode offers instant entertainment. It makes me laugh before my patience goes away. The length and the amout of laughs provided by How I Met Your Mother & The Big Bang Theory go perfect with my current condition.

It's ironic that what research requires most is a long span of attention. To trial and error, to wait for inspiration coming, to build up structured arguments. Hopefully why I have been going down to the opposite road on the entertainment side is because the long-span attention in my brain is partitioned off for what really matters.

白色聖誕

在西雅圖四年多，從來沒有像今年這麼冷，下這麼多雪。放假兩星期了，都窩在家裡不敢出門，今天想說出去感受一下佳節氣氛，到市區逛街，雖然有看到氣象說接連這幾天都會下雪，不過沒親眼看到還是有點難想像什麼是下大雪。兩點以前在進入 Banana Republic 之前都還好，沒想到在裡面耗了一個多小時出來時，滿天大雪，Downtown 整個都是白的，對於一個一年見到雪的次數屈指可數的西雅圖居民，這個場面真的很令人驚豔，從家裡窗戶看和親身走在雪地裡的感覺真的很不同啊，原來這就是白色聖誕。

回來的路上一直塞車，主要是因為今天有很多購物人潮，鋪滿雪的路面也不好走，車窗都是霧氣，也看不太清楚現在到哪裡了，只覺得睡了一覺起來車窗看出去還是 Nordstrom，後來又繼續塞，我又繼續睡，睡到快到時被叫起來，車窗看出去一片白茫茫，似乎不太像 U District，還懷疑是不是坐過站。在大學部宿舍旁邊下車，家裡附近平常走的地方現在地面鋪滿了雪，終於可以體會一下如果現在在中西部唸書會是什麼樣子了。

上面的照片是平常等公車的地方，第一張是今天早上出發時，第二張是晚上回來時，想想幾個月前它還是一片秋意呢。

==

最近不知道為什麼麥當勞一直在打麥克雞塊（McNugget）的廣告，尤其每次上 amazon.com 都會看到麥克雞塊疊疊樂，看得我心養養，今天去 Downtown 就順便去梅西對面吃一下。點餐的時候店員問我要四塊、六塊還是十塊雞塊，我一直不知道還可以選幾塊，因為每次去 U Village 旁邊那家店員都直接給我十塊，我就以為美國只有十塊一盒的？

順道一提，麥當勞的拿鐵味道還不錯，又便宜，個人覺得勝過星巴克。最近最愛的咖啡是 UW 書店的 Americano，咖啡味香濃，且便宜又大杯。 

A Typical Day of My Life

不知道從什麼時候，開始很習慣研究生恬靜的生活，生活步調很鬆散（僅指我個人）、研究漫無目的（也僅指我個人），生活中的種種，都是即興之作。在經濟一片慘淡的同時，只要能保住教書的飯碗，我還滿樂意過這種深入淺出，白天做做研究、晚上從事各式娛樂（不過我白天也花滿多時間做晚上的活動），偶爾去見教授露露臉的生活。

細細回想我一天都在做什麼呢？不用teaching的日子多半十點多才起床，一邊吃早餐一邊掃瞄紐約時報，再看一下前一天CNN Anderson Cooper主持的一個夜間新聞節目AC360（有Podcast可下載用電腦看，是彙整過的，原本一小時的節目被壓縮成半小時，可以快速瀏覽前一天的大事），看完紐約時報和AC360我的早餐也差不多吃完了，不過這時通常快中午了。

中午到了我就不得不開始進行一些正事，引用老布說的"Your real job"。這時通常很不情願，會以極慢的速度打開遠端桌面連線，連到CSDE（學校的一個研究中心）的Terminal Server，把之前弄的東西打開，稍微回顧一下之前做了什麼，回顧和整理我就拖拖拉拉耗了半天，接下來才開始開始弄新東西，不太需要用頭腦的工作會進行的比較快，需要思考的部分時間就呈現停滯狀態，有時太耗腦力之餘，就上Netflix排排DVD queue，或開Amazon看有什麼不錯的deal，其實多半沒有真的要買，純粹只是comparison shopping（不然我沒車為何在比價GPS），我不知道是有強迫症還是職業病（*1），每次要比價或是做任何有排序的動作時，我都會不由自主地"optimize"，花很多精力考慮很多面向，要怎麼組合才能得到最大的效用（即便是我根本沒有要買的東西）。所以有人說我花這麼多時間精力排列組合，時間成本（"transaction cost"）不是很高嗎，哈，不過我的論點是，如果我排列組合比價時也樂在其中，基本上那些時間可以算作是leisure，所以我常比完價後就非常滿足，買不買都無所謂了。

研究以非常緩慢的速度前進，大概不到三點，我就會以肚子餓為理由暫停，開始弄東西吃，這一吃通常可能還會一邊看影集，吃完時，在像現在這樣的冬天，四點多，天已經快黑了，天黑了，我就開始更正當地從事各式娛樂活動了。

--

*1: 其實這也不算是職業病，我早在八百年前對經濟還一竅不通時就超愛幫人家排大學聯考志願序。所以，這算是天性吧。

新氣象

花了一個下午終於把 keyboard drawer 裝在書桌下面，費了不少功夫把我那厚重的書桌整個倒置、再抬起，又花了不少蠻力在木頭桌底下鑽洞，希望我腰沒閃到。

有了這個拖盤打字起來輕鬆多了，可能因為我的滑鼠不大，旁邊的 mouse tray 其實滿好用的，不像 customer review 上講的那麼不穩。我的書桌也難得變整齊了。

不過也因此整個下午都沒工作還翹掉跳舞課，沒進度又沒運動，希望現在萬事俱全之後會認真點。

Recession vs. Depression

這學期當總體經濟學原理的instructor，開學以來上課雖然有學生會主動發言，氣氛仍然有點沈悶，每次連上兩小時，到第二個小時，常講到快斷氣。

今天教到我很討厭的一章 - 經濟成長率，為什麼很討厭呢，因為這章課文內容全是字，沒什麼數學可算（我只有算題目時英文特別順），必須要真的"lecture"，講故事。第二小時一開始沒多久，全班勉強被我維持在至少看起來都是醒著的狀態，正好講到經濟蕭條、經濟衰退時，順應時景，順便試圖提振士氣，就搬出了一個老掉牙的笑話：

You know the differences between a recession and a depression?

When your neighbor loses his job, it's called an "economic slowdown".

When you lose your job, it is a "recession".

But when an economist loses his job, it becomes a "depression".

雖然有點難笑，It's not a haha joke，心想，至少會有點反應吧。沒想到，講完之後，全場鴉雀無聲，四十幾雙眼睛和我對看，時空，呈現靜止狀態（It's ... very ... depressing ...）。

好吧，裝作什麼事都沒發生過，"So we know that real GDP growth rate is ..."。