Thanksgiving 2009

今年感恩節嘗試了很多第一次。

第一次自己作了我最愛的食物之一 -- 紅燒牛肉麵。煮了一整天，雖然賣相不佳，不過還滿有我期待的紅燒牛肉味。這樣以後不能回台灣的時候也能解解饞了。

第一次加入黑色星期五午夜的採購人潮。原以為採購力與日遽增的我即使再有睡意看到折扣應該也會清醒，沒想到因為不論進店裡、試穿還是結帳都大排長龍，因而沒什麼購買慾。在寒冷的冬夜和一群瘋狂的人擠隊比購物本身更有趣。

Drama & Life

我常抱怨Grey's Anatomy越來越煽情肥皂，不過還是每天都看得很開心。

剛開始看時還覺得這堆人真愛無病呻吟，不過看久了也頗習慣這調調，其實我的生活也都是在whining啊。

It doesn't matter how tough we are. Trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives. Trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up. Before we can step up.

Taiwan Picture of the Day

"Taiwan HSR at Night", from http://fotozon.com/daily/taiwan/

剛發現了台灣每日一照的網站，這個網站每天都會刊登一張跟台灣有關的照片。很喜歡上面2009/10/18這天刊登的夜晚高鐵站照片，剛剛就是被這張照片吸引到這網站。這張照片一整個很有氣氛，表現出一種遊子的心境(*1)(*2)。

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(*1) 雖然我返鄉的交通工具根本是飛機，以前也沒有坐火車返鄉的經驗，生活和鐵路根本扯不上邊。不過可能這幾次回台灣常常晚上坐高鐵回新竹，和台灣這塊土地若即若離的情感，在深夜的列車上尤其明顯，所以一看到這張照片時，有種「你怎麼把我的心情照出來了」的驚奇。

(*2) 剛剛很認真地想看出這是哪一站，後來連到原作者的相簿，這是新竹站耶！難怪我會有莫名的connection，哈哈。

Old Diary and New Memory

When cleaning my apartment last night, I found a diary I kept from junior high to college. It has been stored in a box covered by dust under my bed. It was surprising that my memory has gone so bad that I forgot a lot of things. I couldn't remember what some pronouns I used referred to. I couldn't even feel anything for some of the things I felt so strongly before.(*1) Time flies and things change. Sometimes things go so differently than we expect. But sometimes things go back to the origin after detours. I can't believe in my first year in senior high school (oh, sweet 16~) I said in my diary that "I am gonna major in economics in college"; "Because Nobel has a prize in economics" (Not that I ever thought I would ever win one. It was just that I thought awarding accomplishments in economics by Nobel prize implied that this discipline had real contributions to human beings. And I was gonna study something meaningful.) Looking back to it from now, I am not sure whether it was a teenager's audacity or it was simply naiveness. I feel a bit shame on my current passionless self. It did make me burst into laughter though. More than ten years later, I am indeed in this field and have been the field for many years, but nowhere close to making a contribution and at most a mediocre.

My conclusion is that, bad memory could be good sometimes. You can see old things coming out in a novel and interesting way, like reading somebody else's life.

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(*1) For example, in one log I said I was so touched by 「用君之心，行君之意」in 屈原《卜居》. I don't remember what was going on on that day. I have no clue about the circumstance under which I felt in that way.

Post Vacation Syndrome

This summer was unusually hot. And the winter came so early that I couldn't even be aware of it.

According to Wikipedia, post vacation blues include symptoms such as tiredness, loss of appetite, strong feeling of nostalgia and in some cases depression; jet lag may intensify those symptoms. It might take up to 1.5 times the length of the trip. 1.5 times? If I do adjust for 1.5 times of my trip length, the quarter will be gone half. I can't let this happen!!

I overestimated myself. I came back just a few days before school started because I thought I had the ability of falling asleep whenever I wanted and I thought I could switch back to a work mode when I had to. It turned out that I wasn't that flexible. I am still lagged in the summer time.

I am desperately in need of a sharp mind. Right now.

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It's so easy to become lazy. But it's thousand times harder to get the momentum back.

Messages in A Bottle

Mary, Lily, SY and I were Gossip 4 back in high school. We were in the same class for only one year, but the converstaions we ever had were like lifetime long.

In high school, especially in the first year, coursework was never our focus. We talked a lot. We talked in class, after class and any time in between. We talked about what we knew and what we didn't; whom we knew and whom we didn't. We were never tired of talking and laughing. We never thought this world should have any limit.

On my 17th birthday, we made our wishes together. We wrote the kind of future we wanted and deposited them into a bottle. The bottle has been stored in my drawer and we were hoping someday we could cash them.

No one believes their life will turn out just kind of okay. Many years later, we are still not so sure of ourselves. We don't like what we are doing that much.

Every year during this time when I am in Taiwan for a vacation, I feel especially deeply for the meaning of life and the value of existence. Everytime on the way back to Hsinchu after gathering with friends, I feel myself like a ghost. I can see everything but can't touch it. I can smell everything but can't catch it. I can like everything but can't keep it. Everything is so real and surreal at the same time. You live in a place where what you have seems so trivial; meanwhile you are just a passenger to the place you call home. You belong to nowhere.

Once upon a time we laughed so hard that we didn't perceive life had a length and didn't think anything could be impossible. Eleven years later, here again we redeposit our wishes. This time we are all very serious. No kidding.

Travel Back In Time

如果可以回到過去，你想要回到哪一個時間點？

昨天和KA去探索公園的時候聊起了一連串 what if 的話題。每個電影對 time travel 有不同的說法，科學上也有各家的理論(*1)，我比較相信回到過去是心智靈魂進入了以前的身體，而不是未來的自己可以遇見過去的自己，而且我相信回到過去可以改變一些小節，但在時間線上的大方向發展仍然不變。

記得幾年前有一陣子心情很低落的時候，常常哼起一首歌裡面的一段歌詞，「那一天，我哭了一整夜，也知道，我回不到過去...」。那個時候沒有想太多，只是覺得自己做了很多錯誤的決定造成一連串荒唐的結果，如果可以回到過去一定能夠變好。但現在事後想想，如果真可以時光倒流，我真的想要回去嗎？回去重新來過結果會有什麼不同嗎？

也許我比較宿命論，雖然我同時也同意牽一髮而動全身的 ripple effect，但我莫名地相信，不論過程如何地峰迴路轉，最後仍會殊途同歸。認真想了很久，要選擇回到哪個時間點我還真的說不太出來，我們幾小時邊走路邊討論的結果，認為回到過去的用意在於避免一些後見之明認為不該做的事情。我強烈認同這一點，但又不禁對人性抱持懷疑。在現實生活裡我們對很多未來會發生的事也並非完全不知情，然而個性使然，即使預見不好的後果，卻依然任憑它發生。在有時光機的世界裡，有了對未來百分之百的資訊，但我們的個性足夠堅強只做「對」的事嗎？

＊ ＊ ＊

KA說想回到二００三年九月，問我有什麼想交代告訴當時的我，我想了很久，現在的我有很多事情想告訴二００三年九月的我。那年我大四，是個多事之秋，後來的一切是那時種下的果（絕非甜美之果但也說不上是爛到完全不能吃的果實）。一直以來我以為如果可以回到過去，我一定會做個大幅的轉變，把人生重整一番，走一條完全不同的路。但是當這個問句活生生攤在眼前時（講得好像我們真的有時光機），我猶豫了，非常地猶豫。不論是宿命論使然、勇氣不足以嘗試別條路，還是這個爛果吃久了也久聞不覺其臭滿自得其樂的，我沒有太多話想說，只想告訴那個涉世未深的我，"Life is tough. Brace yourself."。

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(*1) Time -Traveling for Dummies: A physicist's looks at The Time Traveler's Wife

Addiction ‧ Indulgence

Recent articles show that Multitasking, Internet Addiction, and Internet Seeking could be dangerous and harmful to our brains. I was terrified. I have exactly same symptoms as described. "Searching for information you don't even care about", "chatting via instant messaging while checking email and surfing the Web", and "being anxious without Internet". Those are pretty much my daily life. (In some sense those articles were kind of entertaining while I was being terrified.)

In one episode of 【Grey's Anatomy】 about addiction, a remark goes like this

Bad habit comes easily but hard to be kicked away.

I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right?

They say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there?

Indeed.

Addiction is bad. But indulging oneself in an addiction is even worse.

Byebye Jail

The picture on the front page of my blog is a view from the temporary shelter of economics department, Condon Hall, a gray concrete building some people call a jail(*1). Everyday after work I walk out of the building, I see the bus stop under the trees and wonder when my ride is coming and starts me a new journey.

Now we are about to move back to our home, Savery Hall, located in the beautiful quad on campus. The computer lab is going to be closed today. Everything will be moved out and brand new computers await us at home. Sitting in the lab looking through the large windows with views blocked by the gray concrete wall, I know I am going to miss it.

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(*1) Condon Hall used to be the Law School building. It got the reputation of being the most ugly building at UW. People joked around that the jail design of the building tried to tell law students what consequences their future judgement would lead to.

星巴克儲值卡

剛剛發現一件事情，之前居然都沒想到。一張星巴克儲值卡用一次接下來一個月可以一天用他們的AT&T WiFi 兩小時，但如果我同時維持有兩張卡兩個帳戶，這樣我每次來星巴克唸書就可以用上網路四個小時。四個小時就非常足夠了，可以工作整個早上或整個下午，我似乎也不太可能連續唸書超過四小時。

不過只能用兩小時也有好處，就是我會有效利用時間，時間一多我就會開始瀏覽和研究不相干的網頁，例如像現在開始寫blog。

我的反應果然變差了，這麼簡單的事我居然之前都沒想到。

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在台灣時好像比較沒辦法在咖啡店唸書，尤其是念需要思考的東西。一方面是台灣大部分的店裡大部分的人都在聊天，氣氛沒那麼適合唸書，另一方面是因為我可以把英文當背景音樂，不仔細聽不會太瞭解別人在講什麼，但是如果旁邊的人用中文聊天，就算沒興趣的話題也會很自然地開始聽。

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實驗結果發現，其實就算只用一個帳戶，兩個小時過了之後，只要不登出或關機，網路還是都不會斷。